Critical Unity Watches. Ever wanted to let someone know how much money you make without ever having to say a word? This watch is for every man who wants to lower his eyebrows while making eye contact. Great for repeatedly glancing at dramatically and sighing with increasing volume while waiting in the line up at your favourite high end coffee retailer before getting fed up shouting “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?”

Critical Unity Mayonnaise. It’s not going off! That just the way that it tastes normally.

Critical Unity body spray comes in two VERY masculine and heterosexual scents: “Your Father’s Disappointment” and “Why Do Women Only Date Assholes?”

Critical Unity Foundation! Learn to love yourself by covering your disgusting skin up with all sorts of toxins and carcinogens. You’re worth it.

New and improved Critical Unity banker’s boxes! Now with 1970s-style woodgrain sides to remind you of when you were young and hip and still had all your hair, your friends, and/or your girlish figure as you file your receipts, taxes, or letters of warning from your creditors. Filing has never been so fun!