Critical Unity body spray comes in two VERY masculine and heterosexual scents: “Your Father’s Disappointment” and “Why Do Women Only Date Assholes?”

Critical Unity Foundation! Learn to love yourself by covering your disgusting skin up with all sorts of toxins and carcinogens. You’re worth it.

New and improved Critical Unity banker’s boxes! Now with 1970s-style woodgrain sides to remind you of when you were young and hip and still had all your hair, your friends, and/or your girlish figure as you file your receipts, taxes, or letters of warning from your creditors. Filing has never been so fun!

Critical Unity vitamins! For kids and adults! Now with 20% less arsenic!

Critical Unity, for her! The same as the regular Critical Unity products, but this time they’re pink! Delicate enough for the fragile sensibilities of a modern lady and three times the normal price!

It also comes in amaranth, cherry, cherry blossom, coral, salmon, french rose, lavender rose, normal rose, fuchsia, magenta, bright pink, dark pink, deep pink, ultra pink, and mauve.

Too broke to afford to get drunk but still harbour too much hope in your life to drink mouthwash? Try Critical Unity Vodka! All the taste of rubbing alcohol but in a slightly nicer bottle.

Luxurious. Timeless. Elegant. Look at these pictures of painfully thin, moody-looking teenage models posing with excessive awkwardness and forced sensuality. Your life could be this glamorous today… If you wear Eau De Critical Unity. Unavailable at all locations.

NEW! Critical Unity CORNED BEEF is now available in a low-sodium version! Get just as much BEEF as usual without worrying!

Critical Unity highly-irritating liquid hand soap. Smells like dead grandmother! Comes in a delightful shade of intestine pink. Available at every public restroom.

Here are some highly convincing testimonials:

“It feels just like a thousand mosquito bites in between my fingers!”
“How is it possible for soap to make me feel more dirty?”
“I feel like vomiting whenever I put my hands near my face!”